Well, this year has started off almost as badly as 2016 ended. Without wanting to sound like a bore I’m going to give a brief overview of what happened: basically, I was dating a guy who I was completely in awe of but also who happened to be 7 years older than me. It was recently discovered (at 1am yesterday) that he was not quite so keen on me as I on him. But I’ve cried over that and I’m done with it now. And, that’s not quite what this post is about….
The real reason I’m bringing this up is not to complain about my ex, but to evaluate myself. Not because I want to talk about myself to the world constantly, but because, simply, one cannot go on finding themselves if they don’t fully understand their current situation.
And, my current situation is, quite frankly, a mess.
The past 3 or 4 years of my life have been built up by telling lies and feeding off male attention… I’m not talking your archetypal Viggo Mortensen’s and or Colin Firth’s either. I’m talking the kind of guys that typically give their attention to any woman somewhere within their age range. Now, I’m not a feminist and I’m not here to slag off the entire male population, some of the guys were lovely. However, in my own confusion and constant desire for something more interesting and exciting, or sometimes just the feel for a need of change, I failed to notice some of the nicest of the bunch. (A failure I’m slowly beginning to regret.)
If it wasn’t me getting bored of them, it would be them getting irritated by my constant need for attention (whether it was good or bad). This would then lead to me crying and drowning my sorrows in beer and music.
No matter whether you’re happy and want to remain in that state, or if you’re at your lowest point and need an escape route, the blues always speaks truth to me. Even now I have Colin James in the background wanting to “ride with me ’til the break of day”. It’s not even the lyrics that help me, it’s the chord progressions, the flat and relaxed tunes they throw at you. It’s always what’s needed.
Relying on music has always got me through and never yet failed me. So, to begin this year, despite not knowing who I am truly or what I want out of life, I am relieved to say that at least I have music that speaks to me. Which, for the moment, is not a half bad way to start off 2017.